How Wedding Pros Can be Inclusive to Polyamory
If you know me, you know that inclusive language (especially within the wedding industry) is my jam. Everyone wants to feel included, particularly when it comes to their special day. One area I’ve consistently received questions about is how wedding vendors can be more inclusive to polyamorous relationships.
Polyamorous marriage is a tricky topic because it’s not legal in the 50 United States. But just because it’s not legal doesn’t mean polyamorous people aren’t choosing to commit to each other through ceremonies (or, for that matter, attending weddings as guests).
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory is one type of ethical non-monogamy — an umbrella term for a consensual, romantic relationship between more than two adults. Other types of non-monogamy include open marriages and swinging, but polyamory is distinct because it involves long-term domestic partnerships (though not all polyamorous people live together), not just casual sex. While polyamory is not technically part of the LGBTQ+ umbrella, many believe it should be, and is often considered a complementary identity.
Poly Vocabulary
There are some other terms about polyamory that you may want to know if your wedding business is going to be more inclusive to the polyam community:
Ethical non-monogamy — an umbrella term for a consensual, romantic relationship between more than two adults
Polyamory / polyamorous / polyam — a type of ethical non-monogamous relationship that involves long-term domestic partnerships between more than two consenting adults. It’s often called “polyam” for short.
Hierarchical polyamory — a type of polyamory where people prioritize one or more partners/relationships over others. The secondary partner/relationship is considered less significantly or not at all when making life decisions.
Non-hierarchical polyamory — a type of polyamory where people/relationships are not prioritized over others. Every partner is considered equitably when making life decisions.
Primary couple / primary relationship — the prioritized relationship in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship.
Secondary relationship / tertiary relationship— the unprioritized relationship in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship.
Throuple — a form of polyamory that involves three people who all date each other. Example: Persons A, B, and C all date each other. Also known as a triad.
V — a form of polyamory that involves three people who are not all dating each other. Example: Person A (sometimes called the hinge) is dating person B and C, but persons B and C are not dating each other. Persons B and C are typically friendly with each other.
Quad — a form of polyamory that involves four people who are romantically and/or sexually involved with one another.
Polycule — a network of polyamorous people connected by romantic and/or sexual relationships to one or more members of the group. Example: Person A dates persons B and C. Person C also dates person D and E. The polycule would then include persons A, B, C, D, and E.
Nesting partner — a live-in partner within a polyamorous relationship.
Satellite partner / satellite lover— a partner within a polyamorous relationship who does not live with you.
Solo polyamorist — a polyamorist who lives a single lifestyle. They have multiple partners but do not consider any to be primary and live alone.
Metamour(s) — a term to describe your partner’s partner within a polyamorous relationship.
Couple Privilege
Just like people of color face white privilege or women face male privilege, polyamorous people face couple privilege, or the idea that a romantic duo of two people is the default in our society.
Couple privilege is a social construct with legal and financial ramifications: socially, we are expected to find a singular mate, that mate is expected to be of the opposite sex, and we are expected to marry that mate in a civil and/or religious ceremony before starting a family.
It’s easy to see that couple privilege touches on the number of people in the relationship, as well as gender, sexuality, and even legal structures.
Here are some everyday examples of couple privilege a polyamorous person may encounter in their life:
If three adults want to reserve a hotel room, it’s assumed there will be two beds in the room.
A maximum of two participants are expected when signing a lease or getting a mortgage.
Most greeting cards are written for a romantic couple, not a throuple or quad.
In the U.S., marriage is legally required to be between two people, and it’s illegal to have more than one marriage at a time.
Marriage comes with many legal and financial privileges, including tax advantages, property protections, survivorship benefits, Social Security benefits, and more.
While couple privilege can be offensive to everyone in the polyam relationship, it’s especially discriminatory toward the secondary relationship or satellite partner, leaving them disempowered.
How To Make Your Wedding Business Inclusive to Polyamory
Privilege is systemic and often unintentional. As wedding pros, you are part of that system, meaning you could be one of the greatest sources of change. And, of that change, using inclusive language is one of the simplest, most effective ways to combat the privilege that underrepresented groups encounter every day.
As a wedding vendor, the changes you make should sweep across every aspect of your business, from your marketing to your booking process, your client experience, and even the guest experience you create on behalf of your clients.
In Your Marketing
Remove language about couples or “you two.” Opt for more inclusive alternatives to bride and groom, and quantity-vague terms like:
Marrier
Boo
Sweetie
Honey
Lover / lovers
Betrothed
Lovebirds
Newlyweds
Nearlyweds
Partners / partnership
Refer to your clients as “clients,” not couples.
On your inquiry form
After asking for the name and role of the first two people in the relationship, ask if there are any other romantic partners who need to be considered.
“How many romantic partners do you have?”
“How many committed partners do you have?”
“If you’re in a polyamorous relationship, what role will additional partners play in your wedding?”
Ask if the wedding will be religious, civil, or a unity ceremony.
As you communicate with your clients
Ask how they’d like you to refer to their polyamorous relationship.
Ask if they’d like their other partner(s) included in the wedding, and how.
Ask if they are having a civil wedding ceremony between two partners, or a unity ceremony between multiple partners.
As you work with other vendors
Communicate about your clients’ situation respectfully, and in advance to ensure they are comfortable working with an out polyamorous relationship. We don’t want your clients to experience any discrimination or hate during this special time!
As you create a guest experience
Don’t default to a “plus one”
Name the primary guest “and partners” on the invitation, with a space to RSVP on the quantity of guests.
When in doubt, ask your client to call the primary guest and ask who they would like invited to the wedding.
For example, “Hi Bob, we are excited to invite you and your partners to our wedding, but I want to make sure I’m not being rude and forgetting anyone. Who should I address the invitation to?”
Final Resources
As polyamory becomes more mainstream, and popularity for the relationship style grows in hotspots like Portland, Austin, and Miami, information on how to be more inclusive to polyam relationships will become easier to find. But, until then, here are some of the most useful resources I found while researching for this blog:
